remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
