Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
