If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Randomize
