college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
