How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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