so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
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