Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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