Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
