My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
