there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
