really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I pour the whiskey from now on
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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