My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
