I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
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