When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Randomize
