A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Randomize
