thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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