the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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