I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Randomize
