I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
