How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
