i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
