Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
