what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
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