so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
