nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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