i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Just high enough for therapy.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
