Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
