i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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