two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Randomize
