I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
