chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
