Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Randomize
