In America we eat man semen.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
