Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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