you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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