sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
