saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
