i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
