I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Randomize
