Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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