just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Randomize
