Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
My life is pants optional.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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