Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
