Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
