I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
