I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
