i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I wish there were birth control emojis
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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