Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
cat food counts as protein by the way
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
