no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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