what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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