i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
