I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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