pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
