The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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