my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize