I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
She told me I should be a condom model.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Semen is not good for contacts.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Randomize
