I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
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