mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
